Russian roulette of cliche'd romances Harry Potter
by GeminiCancer
Summary: I got sick of the HP women manipulating Harry into a relationship. I decided to write a rebuttal and this is it.


The problem of course with the end of a war is freedom for the nosy and manipulative. Plans against Voldemort kept people focused. There was no time for matchmaking when any day you or your loved ones could die. Harry Potter's timely spell casting did more then destroy Voldemort for good, it lifted a cloud of despair and gave hope for a future.

Many had lost their lives, Fred, Dumbledore, Snape, Colin Creevy, but those who survived, mourned yes, but they also celebrated, found love, enacted dreams, and lived. People who already had these things, or for whom some of this was impossible, these unlucky souls chose to the the next best thing: live vicariously through meddling.

One soul such as this was named Molly Weasley. She was married, aging, her kids mostly grown, two son's married, one soon to be. All but one child had their future's firmly planned and plotted with no need for help. All except for little Ginny. So it was on she Molly focused her attentions.

Molly's only daughter was unhappy. Still a year shy of graduating from Hogwarts, her boyfriend to distracted to pay her the proper attention, and little to no future plans. Molly decided most of those distressing voids had the same source: one Harry Potter.

To refocus the boy's attentions back on her daughter she graciously offered the boy a place to stay while he recuperated.

* * *

"Harry dear! you must stay at the burrow until you get back on your feet."

"Thanks' anyway Mrs. Weasley..."

"Call me mom dear, and I won't take no for an answer."

"Mrs. Weasley, again thanks for the offer but I'm staying with Abe at the Hogshead and helping fix up Hogwarts."

"But you can still do that and stay at the burrow...."

* * *

But the boy proved bull headed and refused Molly's generous offer. Rejected but undaunted, Molly alerted the ministry to Harry Potter's shameful lack of education, anonymously of course. They immediately called for all those whose final year was interrupted to return to Hogwarts and redo the year. This gave her another year in which her precious Ginny and Harry could rediscover each other.

*

Another of these souls with a helpful heart was Minerva McGonagal, newly instated Mistress of Hogwarts. She eagerly accepted Harry, Ron, Hermione, and the others into Hogwarts when they reluctantly, grudgingly, or eagerly asked. Her reasons were no less noble then Mrs. Weasley's.

* * *

"Mr. Potter. You have done such a good job with directing the workers and handling the ministry that I'd like to offer you the position of Head of Gryffindor as well as the open DADA position."

"Thank you anyway Headmistress but I'm looking forward to a nice easy year ending with my completed NEWTs."

"But Mr. Potter, it's not like you don't have the experience. I remember rumors of a class you taught years ago, besides, this will look fantastic on your Auror application."

"Well I cant see how it will look better then actually completing my education, since that is why the ministry made me come back here, anyway thanks but no thanks."

* * *

She attributed her failure to a lack of lemon drops and an absence of eye twinkling. Despite this she was able to rope him into teaching the dueling club by threatening to give it to the next capable student, one Draco Malfoy.

* * *

"You can't let Malfoy teach dueling! He'll probably kill every one in there!"

"Then perhaps you know of someone else apt?"

"Fine, I'll do it. But you owe me one McGonagal."

* * *

This would require Harry to go to staff meetings once a week, which fit in Minerva's plans neatly.

*

A month passed and Molly was flustered with her daughters' lack of progress of the Potter Front. Ginny seemed to have given up on the boy or was more interested in filling her needs with other boys. But as Molly was resourceful and intelligent, she took matters into her own hands.

The box of chocolates with centers of allure a la veela should have been the end of things. It would wear off in five days but should be enough time to attract Harry, and if it wasn't she had more. Unfortunately, Molly's foolish daughter was apparently watching her figure and gave the chocolates to the very person she was meant to ensnare, Harry Potter. It was Draco Malfoy, therefore, who caught the veela allure, setting Harry up for a rather horrible week fending off Malfoys' advances, and proving that fate itself was against Molly.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending, Arthur Weasley was a smart man and with the arrival of the morning Daily Prophet equipped with an image of Malfoy and an unwilling Harry in a compromising position, he realized almost at once what was happening. He found and destroyed Molly's stash of love enhancers and effectively removed Molly as a threat.

*

Though Arthur removed his wife from the manipulation game, he didn't have access to his daughter. Though like her mother in many ways, she had long ago accepted that her first love, Harry, was unable to satisfy her on many levels, and so they would never have a happily ever after together. She had long since supplemented him with other males more fitting to her carnal desires. She had needs!

At first Ginny thought Harry was Ginny-asexual, since her refused to do more then kiss her chastely. After they broke up she realized he was completely asexual as he showed no interest in anyone. However, as Ginny watched, gleefully, Harry protest 'to' much that Malfoy couldn't like him or must be drugged, she realized that he wasn't asexual, simply in love with someone he thought he'd never have.

* * *

"It's really okay Harry, you can tell me. I'd never judge."

"I'm not in love with Draco Malfoy! I"m not even gay!"

* * *

Since the silly savior refused to acknowledge his desires. Ginny made it her mission to force them together.

Shoving them together in a closet didn't work.

* * *

"Potter, when I get out of here I'm roasting that female weasel!"

"I'll help you Malfoy."

* * *

Though she did get them to agree on something, she counted it a failure.

Trying to trick Malfoy into admitting her hadn't been drugged didn't work.

* * *

"So you say you were under the influence of something?"

"Yes weasette for the last time..."

"What was it then huh? huh? huh?"

"As I told you and your insessent parasitical friends, I do not know!"

"Ah Ha! So you admit it?"

"Admit what? Weasette, what are you doing with your eye?"

* * *

Sneaky slytherin.

But Ginny would persevere, six brother's had taught her that there was more then one way to de-gnome a garden.

* * *

"Harry, I'm telling you I heard him crying that you'd never love him!"

"I don't believe you Gin."

* * *

War had made Harry so suspicious

* * *

"Headmistress please, you have to tell him, its the only way Harry will ever be happy."

"Ms. Weasley, I am ashamed of you. I will under no circumstances lie to Harry and claim that Draco is his soul mate and will die if they do not marry. You will cease this obsession or I will suspend you."

* * *

McGonnagal was fierce and Ginny reluctantly decided Harry was on his own. Though she would still hint that he didn't have to hide from her, her mother would kill her if she didn't complete the year. Mrs. Weasley was being extremely attentive to Ginny's school life this year.

*

Minerva was frustrated with her own meddling and snapped up the chance to remove the obstical Ginny Weasley was posing.

So far Harry had resisted every hook she presented him with. The dueling club required Harry to attend staff meetings where Minerva could introduce him to her niece, Potions mistress Abigale Winters. She was 25, not to old for 17 year old Harry, but mature enough to understand Harry's war torn soul.

Their first meeting showed promise but, though Abigale knew her aunt knew best and succumbed to Minerva's pressures, though with much protesting and eye rolling, Harry remained steadfast.

* * *

Mr. Potter I need you to accompany Ms. Winters to Diagon today."

"I'm sorry Headmistress but I have plans."

"Harry, I'm asking you to go with her."

"Why?"

"She needs protection."

"Then I would put her in more danger as an escort, surely the DADA professor."

"Harry, you took down He Who Must Not Be Named how can you.."

"Minerva, you know it was luck and not talent better then anyone. I'm sorry but I'll not be able to go with her."

* * *

Harry was a good boy and would make a fine husband, Minerva just needed to figure out how to capture his attention.

*  
While Minerva stepped back Cho Chang saw the Daily Prophet image of Malfoy kissing a protesting Harry and realized time was short. Had her heart been whole Cho would have been head of her class and she focused that brilliance on her one and only date with Harry to find the faults.

Ultimately she decided that she'd come on to strong. To combat this she sent a letter to Harry asking for a friendly lunch at Three Broomsticks. To make it less formal she invited other members of the DA that she knew but not Marietta. It was a fun, laughter filled lunch and she proposed a second.

Her plan was to slowly phase out the others until it was only she and Harry. Then when he finally asked, shyly she'd tell him she realized how much a fool she was and how much she still cared for him.

*

While Cho's long term plan continued another soul who thrived on being behind other's accomplishments set her sights on Harry. More then the need to be a driving force she desperately deeded to be in 'the know'. Harry had a secret and Hermione Granger would figure it out.

She followed Harry, dogging his steps. Ron, her boyfriend, suggested she simply ask Harry but it wasn't the knowing, it was knowing before they knew it themselves. When they finally told everyone she wanted to have a smug, I already figured it out, look.

Unfortunately, Harry must have learned a few new tricks for though she followed him for months, she didn't discover anything she didn't already know.

Ginny thought Harry was in love with Malfoy.

* * *

"God dammit Ginny, I'm not Gay!"

* * *

McGonagal was trying to set him up with the new potions mistress.

* * *

"I'm sorry Professor Mcgonagal. I just don't feel comfortable spending the winter holidays with Professor Winters."

* * *

She even knew that Molly was trying to drug Harry into loving Ginny because Arthur warned all his sons and Ron talked in his sleep.

This frustrating lack of information continued until she finally heard something interesting.

* * *

"It's so frustrating! It's like all the females in my life have gone crazy! Even Hermione is following me around like she's in a bad muggle spy movie."

"..."

"Yes, that's what I meant. Every one but you."

"..."

"I love you too."

* * *

Hermione was brilliant and so she recognized the need to step backwards and regroup in the light of this new information.

*

Though this should have given Harry a break, Minerva latched onto the chance. Years and years of teaching had exposed her to every walk of life, future death eaters to future aurors and everyone in between.

Larze no last name, fell closer to the death eater group but wasn't pureblood. She hired him to keep her niece somewhere comfortable until Harry could rescue her.

* * *

"Seriously! Ms. Winters was kidnapped!"

"Yes! Harry, I need your help."

"Sure thing, I'll take care of everything."

"Thank you harry, I knew you'd not let me down."

* * *

The aurors rescued Abigale three hours after Harry fire-called them. They were perfectly content with Harry Potter's thanks rather then his help, and that was all that he provided.

*

Pansy Parkenson was a pureblood princess and was accustomed to living a certain way. Her parents money was taken by the ministry, as was the money of her future husband, Draco Malfoy. She set her sights on the most well known, richest, most famous wizard her age, Harry Potter.

Unfortunately, her plan to befriend him, then fake her kidnapping was ruined by that Harpy Professor Winters. Now she had to figure out a new fool proof plan.

*

While Pansy racked her perfectly proportioned brain, Cho's plan seemed to be coming along nicely. She was down to just Harry and her. Su Li had a 'convenient' mother-daughter tea party.

* * *

"where is everybody?"

"I'm not sure but, It's kind of nice. Just you and me..."

"Cho..I have mentioned my girlfriend right?"

* * *

The friendly lunches stopped rather suddenly and no one really minded.

*  
Meanwhile, Hermione finished her light truth serum. It would work for 15 minutes by persuading the recipient to tel the truth and then would remove those 15 minutes from memory.

* * *

"So what did you drag me down to the kitchens for Hermione?"

"Give me a minute, do you like your tea?"

"I'm sure its fine, why are we here?"

"Try the tea, iIhad it made special."

"oh? What's in it?"

"Um..."

"Hermione, are you trying to drug me?"

* * *

So loosing Harry's trust wasn't exactly how she imagined this ending. but as Ron was continuously reminding her, she shouldn't have drugged him.

*

Pansy was a watcher. She gathered information before acting so it wasn't surprising that after accumulating the failed plans of her inferior competition she bypassed Potter entirely.

A quick sack of gold to a few key goblins and a previously unknown, already vindicated marrage license between the Potter and Parkinson families was discovered.

She expected Harry to be livid, not laugh when she 'shyly' approached him to discuss it.

* * *

"Merlin, this is by far the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. I'm not marrying you."

"Harry please, I don't like it any more then you do but if you break the contract you'll have to give my family reparations..."

"Oh no! well if that's the only option. I'll marry you. I do have a girlfriend who I was going to marry so you'll have to sign this contract that will give me control over your magic, body and mind as you'll be little more then my mistress. You wont be carrying my heirs and since I have no plans on ever having sex with you, you'll probably never see me. I'll put you up in a cottage, give you a house elf, and you'll not be able to leave the house. Unless this isn't a real contract in which case I'll get back to my breakfast and you can slither away."

* * *

Pansy was forced to back out less then gracefully. Who knew Potter was such a superior opponent.

*

The year ended with a whimper and Harry could finally breath in relief. He would be able to avoid manipulation by simply leaving now.

After the graduation ceremony Harry was bombarded by press. Quills floated next to his head, quivering in anticipation of any breath that was the least bit harder then normal. He held a hand for silence.

"I am happy to have my NEWTs and to have had this year I've learned invaluable things at Hogwarts, and not only school work or the curriculum. This year has been an eye opener in regards to my romantic life." The press jumped on the admission but Harry had prepared for that.

"Yes, I do have a girlfriend,"

"What about Draco Malfoy." Someone shouted and Harry laughed.

"That was an unfortunate and embarrassing potions accident. He and I are both straight and still cannot stand to be in each others presence."

They clamored and shouted rebuttals but Harry silenced them.

"My girlfriend and I will be spending the next few months searching for woppermills in Iceland. You can read about out adventures in the Quibbler. Good day."

And that's what they did.


End file.
